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"Being too charming was never one of my faults." - Kill Me Later
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my version of ariel's part of your world
I tend to feel very torn about what I should and shouldn't write here. It's not so much that I'm afraid the wrong people will read it (although that is always a concern) but more that I'm just not sure certain thoughts should be put out there into the world. Most of the time it has to do with griping about my current employment situation (I admit, it hasn't always stopped me). I feel guilty in the current economic climate complaining about a job that I still have. One that pays me well, offers great benefits and overall would be a job that more people than not would happily take. I have worked hard to get where I am, but I am fully aware of the fact that the world is made up of a lot of people who have worked a hell of a lot harder for a hell of a lot less. In fact, come to think of it, I've worked a hell of a lot harder for a hell of a lot less (go back through my archives about five years to my fundraising days). So I'm lucky, I've been blessed, and I know this. Mentally, I know this. The problem is that every day I go into the office and I kind of have this thought like I'm walking into a prison. Fair or not, that's just how I'm starting to feel. I'm so afraid of getting pigeonholed into the role I'm currently in, especially now that I'm staring at Year 3 of this. It sort of reminds me of a water-downed version of how I felt when I worked for Slumlord Properties and every morning I would say a little prayer that I'd get trapped in the elevator on the way up to my office just so I wouldn't have to face any of the tenants for a little while longer. I like working and I like the industry but I want to continue progressing and I feel like I've had a door slammed in my face. The feeling has become more pronounced with the incident that happened a couple months ago. It's taken time for it to sink in but I've pretty much come to the conclusion that a lot of what has been said to me over the past year or so about my prospects for the future with The Company has been a load of horseshit. And I'm not okay with that. If I were twenty years older I'd probably be okay with it, but I'm young and stupid enough to believe that I can do more. Ambition is a bitch ain't it? But I am stuck for now, I've put a lot of feelers out there but so far no bites. And I'm not prepared to quit. So I'm just in limbo. Feeling like I'm in a prison, but knowing that I should be happy (!) about what I do have. Labels: the grind
Monday, February 08, 2010
Today was, shall we say, not great. Lots of stuff I don't particularly feel like discussing at length, not yet anyway. Job related unpleasantness, really nothing horrible just terrible disappointment and that "will I ever amount to anything" nagging feeling. Although I rarely complain about my race or gender being any sort of impediment to my career, I really do think that the typical Asian mentality/work ethic has kept me from being really aggressive about the things I want and feel I deserve. Like most Asians I labor under the theory that as long as I am good at my job and work hard that I will be recognized for it and rewarded accordingly. Unfortunately that is not always the case is it? The squeaky wheel gets the grease, as they say. Which is not to say I haven't recognized or rewarded by my company, I have, I've been promoted, I've gotten raises, I've been given a lot without asking for it. But I'm not on the path I want to be on and I'm starting to question if I'm being strung along like when a guy is dating a nice girl, but he just doesn't want to marry her. Labels: the grind
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Not to be a constant downer or anything, but I have been sick for like going on three weeks now and it really sucks. I'm actually pretty cheered up today by the fact that Jon and Dan still visit (Hi Jon and Dan!) and somehow Dan managed to find my RSS feed which is really quite a shock since I didn't even know I had one. You really do learn something new every day. But alas, I'm still sick. And I've been sick since before I took my CFA test a couple weeks ago and studiously avoided the doctor for as long as I possibly could. Part of it was that I really was super busy trying to do all that last minute cramming and the other part of it is that every time I get really sick, my bloodwork seems to go downhill and my doctor gets all concerned and it basically leads to me not having my meds decreased. Which is not what I want right now. More on that later. Then one day last week my coworker called in sick and later that day announced via frantic phone call that he was possibly being diagnosed with The Dreaded Swine (Flu). At which point my brain started to recall the whole "if you have a chronic illness contracting swine flu could very well kill you" which was followed by a lot of panicking and leaving voicemails with my doctor's nurse (of course it was his day off). The next morning I was chastised by the nurse who basically commanded me to go see a doctor like five minutes ago and when I protested that I could not leave work because of my filthy diseased coworker who had possibly infected me with his germy little self, I was sternly told that I was PLAYING WITH MY LIFE HERE and basically she would not hang up until I promised to make an appointment with an emergency clinic in the city. So I did, got some flu medicine and then spent the weekend feeling even worse with a low fever that simply would not go away. I've been feeling better and worse depending on the time of day (usually better in the mornings and worse in the afternoons) but I'm *hoping* I might finally be turning a corner. I am scheduled for blood tests this weekend and a visit with my specialist on Monday so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this illness hasn't wiped out all the positive progress of this past year.... Because... Well, I have some goals for the coming years. Goals that for most people would seem within the realm of their control but feel oddly out of mine. One, I'm hoping to be promoted. Okay, so I guess this is not really something most people can control, but I feel like it's especially out of my hands because of the industry I'm in and the fact that openings for the position I want is rare in the best of market conditions and are pretty much non-existent in the current environment. I kind of feel lucky just for the fact that I can even imagine the possibility of being promoted into this position, but since I tend to be the type of person who is never satisfied, eh I'm not satisfied. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I know how hard ANY job is to come by right now, but I just...want...more. You know? And the other thing...the thing more directly related to my whole fear of going to the doctor...which also seems entirely incongruous with my "I want to be promoted" goal...I'd really love to get to a point physically where my doctor doesn't blanch when I bring up the possibility of maybe, possibly having a baby, like sort of soonish. All this may not be the best idea considering I discovered MOLD in my cat's water cup the other day and wasn't sure how long it'd been there since I usually fill it while half asleep in the dark before work. So yeah, my furbaby has been possibly drinking moldy water for the last who knows how many days. Clearly I'm going to be a great, attentive mother right? There's a lot more I have to say about this but alas it is now late and unfortunately not Friday (i.e. I must drag my happy ass out of bed long before the sunrises). I'm starting to feel a bit loopy now from the cough syrup w/codeine mixed with amb*ien and it's probably just better if I stop here for now. Labels: Baby talk, i don't feel so good, Life, the grind
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Last night one of my coworkers from the NY office was killed crossing the street. Yesterday I could have called her and asked her to walk me through something (like she had so many times before) and today I could not. It's a cliche, but damn, life is short. Today I got an email from the managing director's assistant. She wanted to know if I'm free to meet with the hiring manager for another group in our office. Gulp. It would be a step up, but I'm not sure it's the direction I wanted to go in. Of course, we don't always get exactly what we want and would be a good move for me career-wise. And I have been telling anyone who would listen that I want a change, any change, that would get me out of ops and into the business side of things. And I know the MD has been pulling strings for me. So I I'm just never happy am I? I'm trying to leave it with God. Trying to hold onto that song I used to love as a kid. I cast all my cares upon You It's funny how as we get older we become more and more aware of how little control any of us have over anything (when you're little you think your parents control everything). And yet as we get older the harder it is to let go of the perception that you have control over everything. Labels: Death, navel gazing, the grind
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Oh my God I am tired. I am getting sick. The cat is sick, diarrhea, wheezing, her first time being sick =( And I am exhausted. I used to have no qualms about staying home sick. That was Before. Before I became all hyper-competitive-I-have-to-prove-myself-ambitious. I am not deathly ill, but something is definitely brewing and before I would have been okay with staying home and allowing myself to heal before heading back to work. Now? I don't know. I took two days off a couple months ago when I was having those strange chest pains that (luckily) never turned into anything. Maybe I'm hypersensitive to these things because of my past health issues, but I pretty much do everything I can to show people how I don't have health problems and am every bit as capable of working every bit as hard as everyone else. It's kind of a sore spot for me. In other news, I haven't had my toenails cut in two months. Hmm... Labels: 7 posts in 7 days, i don't feel so good, the grind
Monday, September 21, 2009
Since I've been at my current job I've developed this verbal tic. Most of my day consists of doing what other people don't want or don't have time to do. Obviously that sucks on many levels but on the flip side I have people saying "thank you" to me all day long. Just for doing my job. And sometimes I get free food. That part definitely doesn't suck. Anyway, in response to the constant "thank you's" I tend to reply with "no problem" and I find myself saying this a lot. Sometimes I catch myself and will try to say "your welcome" or "anytime" but "no problem" has become almost a reflexive response to "thank you" for me. It's probably just navel gazing on my part, but I often wonder if my superiors have noticed this and if it bothers them. When I analyze the response "no problem" I realize it is could be almost dismissive of thanks, as if to say, "eh whatever." Which, of course, is not how I mean it. As usual, I am probably worried over something no one else gives a thought to (I am more important in my own mind than in reality), but still it has gotten to a point where it bothers me so I am going to make a conscious effort to say "you're welcome" from now on. Labels: 7 posts in 7 days, navel gazing, the grind
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Geez, day 2 and I almost decided to just scrap the whole thing. When did blogging get so hard? Okay, it's not, I'm just tired (when am I not?). I had this whole post planned out in my head, about competitiveness and how I've realized that I've become insanely competitive, mainly having to do with this being the first time in my life I'm not 100% sure I can compete with the people I'm trying to impress. Actually I don't even know if "competitive" is the right word. Maybe I should call it a feeling of abject terror at the thought of failing. Like to the point where when I realize I haven't done something up to expectations my palms start to sweat and I feel like I'm going to throw up. Yes, really. Then I realized, I don't have much else to say about the topic beyond that. That I have developed this unhealthy obsession to succeed at something and sometimes I don't even know why. Actually I do know why - because I want to be the best, dammit, and I'm not sure I can be and just thinking that thought makes me twitch. Confession: Sometimes at work I have to stop what I'm doing for a moment and type out the lyrics to a praise song. It's the only way to calm myself down when I'm on the brink of totally flipping out (in my head only, of course) over some perceived colossal failure that (hopefully) is just a small oops in reality. It helps me remind myself that God doesn't care about any of the stuff that's stressing me out, so ultimately why should I? Do I sound totally neurotic yet? Yes? I thought so. Labels: 7 posts in 7 days, blogging, Make Joyce go something something, the grind
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
How is it that I blinked and suddenly Q4-09 is around the corner? Where did the year go? January seems like both yesterday and a hundred years ago. I haven't been a very good blogger in recent years, but certainly 2009 was a new low for me. Those "x number of posts in x number of days" commitments have become popular with bloggers who have let their blogs fall by the way-side and that sounds like a good idea to me. So I've decided to attempt something relatively modest and launch my own 7 posts in 7 days. From there, we'll see. I stayed late at work today for a teaching conference call (I actually enjoy these things because I can make believe I am back in my carefree college days - of course it is much harder to pay attention when 3,000 miles away from the speaker) and by the time I left it was way past my normal departure time. The office was empty except for my colleagues in other departments, most of whom I've never met. I rode the elevator with a friendly fellow from the equity research group and this is when I came to the realization that I often totally ignores peoples names when introducing myself. It is actually a more frequent occurrence when I'm slightly intimidated by the person I'm meeting because I perceive them as being more important than I am. I start to blank out as they say their name because I'm frantically trying to think of what I should say next. What if I say The Wrong Thing? What then?? So while they speak I carefully plan my response and by the time they are done introducing themselves and a polite conversation pursues and ends, I walk off only to realize I have no clue who I just met beyond what they do and (maybe only vaguely) what they look like. Now I'm in a panic because the next time I meet them it is not polite to ask them their name again and I will just have to hope I'm never in a position where I have to introduce this person to anyone. Now that I realize my bad habit I'm going to make a concerted effort to PAY ATTENTION! to people's names when I meet them. After all, names are strangely important to people. Labels: 7 posts in 7 days, blogging, the grind
Monday, August 31, 2009
Let's not stray away from the theme that I've created here these last few My job is killing me. You can only do the same thing so many times before it starts to grate at your VERY SOUL. Okay, maybe I am being a bit melodramatic, but certain things are seriously starting to drive me nuts. Like people who are stupid. And apparently stupid people make up a large portion of the population. Very disappointing. I'm sure it's like this at any job right? There are always those people who never quite understand, can never quite remember, who can never seem to quite put it all together. It kills me that I'm so close to all these brilliant people (the people I work for) and yet I never have the time to pick their brains because well...let's not get into that...I am complaining about my job but I also really like having one. I understand that working in operations is important, that without smoothly running operations it is impossible to run a functioning firm. But please, dear God, can it be my turn to get promoted into a part of the firm where I'll actually get to use my brain on a regular basis? I need to shake off these cobwebs already. How many times can I break till I shatter? Labels: the grind
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Have you ever loved something you knew probably wasn't good for you? Like it was everything you ever wanted and yet in some sick twisted way that was exactly why it was so wrong for you? Sometimes I feel that way. No, not about Paul. He is so good for me it is really unbelievable I ended up with him in light of my penchant for choosing things that are bad for me. I am talking about my job. Which despite all my bitching and moaning, I do love. Okay, that's not exactly true. I love the industry and I'm hoping that after I pay my dues I will be moved into the position I really want. That's the goal anyway, we'll see if it comes to fruition. But sometimes, I wonder. I wonder if I'm doing the right thing or if I love this industry precisely because it feeds into everything bad about myself. Things I should be trying to change about myself, not nurture. Namely, being impatient is a necessary evil because things are moving at breakneck speed so if you're not impatient, if you're not asking people to do things five minutes ago, you're probably not getting your job done. I am probably one of the most impatient people I know and I've always hated it about myself but it's almost become a virtue for me now at work. And being impatient ten hours a day can't help but spill over into the rest of your life (is there a rest of your life when you're spending more of your waking hours in the office than doing everything else combined?). Anyway, I'm not really thinking about making any changes. Just thinking out loud. I can't and don't want to imagine doing anything else career-wise. I think I just need to find better ways to unwind myself after work. Which is why I ended up getting this after all. Maybe it's just wishful thinking but I think it's going to help me sleep at night. Labels: the grind
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Last week I told Paul I felt like I was losing it. Mentally. Emotionally. In general. I was tired, exhausted and just sick of going about my daily activities. He offered to cook me dinner, take me out on the town to cheer me up, forgo a trip to Costco since I didn't feel like it. And then he told me that it was okay, it was just my once a quarter funk. What do you mean? I asked him. Apparently I get depressed once a quarter. Gee, here I thought I was all moody and unpredictable and shit. Or at the very least, I figured he'd refer to it as my once a month funk, if you know what I mean. But no, he said it's definitely once a quarter. The more I think about it, the more I think he might be right. But this time has been a bit different because it isn't going away. I've caught myself making mistakes at work, which drives me nuts because that's just not how I roll. I am ridiculously anal when it comes to my job and that's what makes me so good at it. And then there's this cold I can't shake. I can't get the right amount of sleep where I don't feel tired, foggy and red-eyed all the time. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's not about not having anything to do either. Oh Lord, do I have things to do. I have a nine to ten hour a day job. I have the CFA to study for - only 249 more hours to go (and yes, that's out of the recommended 250 hours). I am trying to learn VBA because go figure, programming is important if you want to get ahead in finance. I just ordered The Handbook of Fixed Income Securities because, you know, it just looks like it might be a thrilling read (yes that was sarcastic). Oh and I have this husband who likes to hang out with me from time to time too. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise that I'm not medically cleared to start trying to get pregnant, because if I was I'm sure I'd pressure Paul into getting pregnant NOW and then I'd be screwed. Har har. Yeah. It's better this way. Labels: i don't feel so good, the grind
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
So let me lay it all out for you. I like working in finance. As those of you who have known/read me for awhile know, I've gone through several different industries and was bored rather quickly with all of them. As lazy as I can be, I enjoy a challenge, I enjoy a constantly changing environment and learning something new every day. When I was doing property management I would sit and ask the building engineers questions about the HVAC system all day long even though during high school and college I was bored to tears by physics. When I was recruiting in the sciences field I would spend most of my interview time asking the candidates about their research and techniques even though I fastidiously avoided any non-required science course in college. Those jobs just bored me to tears and I was searching for any bit of mental stimulation I could find. So anyway, I like finance, almost enough to say I actually really like my job. I do, sort of. I like the exposure it gives me. I like the resources. I like being in a position to learn. But when I'm really honest with myself, I've been in this position for two years now and what with the events of last fall, at this point I'm kind of going backwards not forwards. I'm in a position to learn but don't really have the opportunity to be taught the things I want to know. I' surrounded by the best and the brightest and yet I'm not necessarily supposed to be asking them questions and soaking up their knowledge. And I feel so guilty about complaining. I have a job. I got what has amounted to two raises and a promotion in less than six months. I am so blessed to be where I am. I know all this. And yet, I'm not exactly happy. Far from it to be honest. Which, again, I feel I need to qualify by saying, I am so thankful to have my job and I am more than happy to stay where I am if the alternative is being unemployed. But what about a year from now? Two? Three? More? I don't know. And with my 27th birthday coming up, it just...it weighs on me. And I hate that with the economy being what it is, I feel awful about saying and feeling this way, but I do. I keep telling myself to be content, to find peace in the fact that the Lord has a plan for me. And yet, I consider the fact that excellence so rarely coincides with contentment. People who excel are rarely content, which is why they excel. Ambition and inner peace don't necessarily go together do they? I'm afraid that if I convince myself to be Content that I will miss out on Opportunity. Whether or not this is true, I don't know. I guess, at the end of the day, I just need to let go. To remind myself as ambitious as I am, or would like to be, I really don't ultimately have control of what happens to me. I'm trying to remind myself that despite all my ambition and restlessness, someone else is in control. And driving myself crazy won't change that. Let go and let God. Right?
Thursday, March 12, 2009
I love my job, I love my job, I love my job. Or so I tell myself. Seriously though, I'm really lucky to still have a job...that's why I'm trying not to complain about it...much. Labels: the grind
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Dude. This year is going by way too quickly. It's February 11th already? Really? We've been having our "comp talks" at work this week and though it's true it's been a horrible year for the industry (and not a great one for my firm either), I was actually pretty happy with what I walked away with. In fact, I think I made out like a bandit if I do say so myself - a bonus, a raise and a promotion complete with lofty sounding title and twenty, count 'em, twenty days of vacation! I'm already planning the next one in my head, maybe I'll even find out firsthand if Atlantis is as amazing as it looks on the commercials. It will be hard to top this though... I must say, as much as I've complained for the past six months, I am very grateful that I still have a job to complain about.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
It's cold in the city now, I mean, cold for San Francisco, which is to say, not cold at all. But still, it's cold for California. Paul and I are still adjusting to to the changes that have come about in the last couple weeks, and of course, I still hate change. I'm not really sure what to do or how to feel or how to act or what to say about it. It's hard. It's exhausting. I'm scared and confused and not at all sure of the future sometimes. Especially when I'm alone in the apartment, which let's face it, I haven't been in a long, long time because of the long hours I've been working and the fact that Paul and I are kind of attached at the hip outside of work. But Paul has a GMAT class three times a week, three hours at a time and that may not sound like a long time to be apart but we're gross and it is for us. I let myself go a little crazy when I'm home alone and I sit and wait for him to come back and make me sane again. So I can stop obsessing and ruminating and wondering where we'll be five years from now. Will there be a baby? Will I still be at the same job I'm at now (oh dear GOD don't let this be the case - not to sound like I'm ungrateful for my job because I am grateful to have one at all nowadays - but yeah if I'm still in this exact job five years from now? *shudder*)? But really, what's the point in guessing, because five years ago I couldn't have even imagined where I am today. Five years ago I didn't even know Paul. I never imagined I'd be pursuing a career in finance, in fact I didn't even know I was remotely interested in finance. Looking back at 21 year old me, I was a mess. I was depressed and perhaps mildly suicidal. I was in love with a guy who definitely wasn't ready to settle down with me no matter how much I tried to pretend he was. I had accepted a job making less than what a McDonald's worker makes though I was going to be a UCLA grad. I was also just starting to get really, really sick. Yeah. Wow. As crappy as things feel right now, at least they've gotten better since then. So maybe I'm just trying to convince myself not to give up, but let's face it...things could be a lot worse, all things considered. And I know this is not an extremely positive way to look at things (it could be so much worse! is not exactly optimistic right?) but hey, it's the truth. And I'm trying. And it's all I can muster right now. Labels: Life, the grind, The Hubs
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
I think I'm getting sick or something. I don't know. Today was just not a good day and I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally...just exhausted in every imaginable way. I'm tired of worrying, tired of not living up to my own expectations...just...tired...of being... I am trying so hard to stay positive, to keep my head above water, but honestly? I feel like I'm drowning. Paul and I finally made it out to church this weekend in the city and the pastor gave us an assignment to pray daily this week about what we are thankful for. And I am thankful, I recognize all the blessings in my life, but I...I just miss the days of no responsibility. The days where I could hide in my little studio apartment for days at a time and not worry about anything really. I'm just so overwhelmed. And so lost as to where this is all leading and what it all means. I picture you in the sun Labels: Depression, God, the grind
Friday, November 21, 2008
I'm still processing everything that has happened this week. I'm still not quite ready to write about it all, except to say that what has happened this week has pretty much been the last thing I expected to happen. I honestly never saw myself in the position I find myself in now, but I think it's going to be okay. It's a new challenge and a new opportunity to rise to the occasion. Oddly enough, I feel much more at peace today, much more like I can see the plan that God may be laying for Paul and me and our life together. 2009 will be an interesting year, certainly nothing like what we imagined at the beginning of 2008, but interesting and promising nonetheless. And I feel incredibly blessed that despite the hardships we might face in the coming months, things could be so much worse and are so much worse for so many others who are facing a similar predicament. The lesson that I continue to learn (over and over and over again) is that life never happens the way you expect it to. What I'm hoping for now may never come to pass, but I have this confidence that however things turn out, that is how they were meant to be. When I look back on my life so far, it's so clear that God had a plan every time a door of opportunity opened or closed, whether it be in terms of education, career or relationships. Whatever happens, Paul and I have each other, supportive family and friends, and above all our faith in the Lord - and that just makes me feel like whatever happens, it's going to be okay. Labels: God, Life, the grind, The Hubs
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Today I got my answer. And it was pretty darn unequivocal. Details to follow at some point. Maybe. Every blessing and curse is a choice now
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Another day, another failure. I can't seem to help but fall into that trap of anger and bitterness and wanting a certain someone to get fired. I'm pretty sure this isn't how God wants me to be behaving but I honestly can't even say I'm trying very hard not to. I'm not really sure how to look at this. Am I where I am because I'm supposed to be learning to overcome it, or is this God's way of telling me to run as fast and as far as I can? I really don't want to just quit, but perhaps that is actually The Plan and I'm fighting it because I feel like I need to be in this industry because it makes me feel important and smart and even a little bit powerful? But at the end of the day it's only money, and maybe that's not what God wants the focus of my life to be. Or maybe thinking like this is the cop-out? Gah. I don't know. I need a sign. Just when you think you're forgiven
Monday, November 17, 2008
So, as I might have mentioned once or twice or fifty or a hundred times lately, work is quite distressing to say the least. But honestly, the worst thing about all of this is I feel like I don't know how to be a Christian and do my job at the same time. There have been so many nights I go to bed praying that I can just be a good witness, that I can show compassion and forgiveness no matter what happens or how wronged I feel there. And so many mornings I go in feeling like I can do it. And then like twenty minutes later I'm cursing up a storm on my Bl*omberg chatbox and generally being in a rotten, completely unloving and unforgiving mood. I feel like I am being tested every day and every day I fail. Miserably. So, miserably I am literally ashamed to even tell people at work I am a Christian - not because I am ashamed of God but I am ashamed of how I am behaving and don't want people to associate that with the children of God. I try to tell myself it's just work, it's meaningless in the grand scheme of eternity. After coming home from Baby J's funeral yesterday I was just thinking about how our time here is so short and is this how I really want to be spending it? Angry, bitter and frustrated all the time? It's not. I want to be at peace with my life and with the knowledge that God has a plan for me and this is just one of the rough patches, but it is leading to something...maybe a better job or maybe not, maybe just patience and understanding and the ability to show love regardless of the situation. Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise
Monday, November 10, 2008
I take my last post back. I'd get on a plane When I got on a plane headed east nearly twenty-four months ago, I never dreamed that a place 9,000 miles from where I grew up would end up feeling like home. I never dreamed that I'd feel so strongly about the place that if I could find some way to make it work family and career wise, I'd love to live there for a year or two, perhaps more. With the euro coming back down Paul and I have been considering planning a trip to Europe, but I think he'd prefer to go to Spain or Greece, somewhere he hasn't been. I'd love to go back to visit either of those places again, but what I really miss is living in Paris. I miss everything that comes with living in such an amazing city. My favorite restaurants, relaxing in one of the many random chairs that litter the parks and gardens. I miss getting lost in the Louvre, knowing that I never needed to rush because I could always go back and look some more. Of course, I miss the wonderful friends I made there. I miss drinking a delicious 5 euro bottle of Bordeaux from the market down the street and the multitude of bakeries with delicious sandwiches and tarts and of course the butter croissants. I miss the different flavors of Orangina and the saucisson. I miss the metro and the RER and the point when I finally got so comfortable with it that I actually felt confident giving tourists directions. I miss the afternoons when I was on my own and I'd go to the Cuban restaurant near Chatelet, sit outside with some tapas and a sangria and just watch people. Of course, I'm idealizing Paris, I know. But it's hard not to. Especially when work has sucked a lot of the fun out my life and as much as I love San Francisco and all it's natural beauty, it definitely doesn't have the grand architecture of Paris and the monuments around every corner. I feel really lucky to have had the experience of living in Paris, especially living where I did, right in the center of the city. A ten minute walk to Notre Dame and a thirty minute walk to the Louvre. What's the point of all this? I don't really know. I'm just reflecting, reflecting on where I've been and where I might be going. What I do know is that my life has been blessed in so very many ways, and the more I think about it, the more I am confident that every step of my path has been part of God's plan for me. And no matter what I might have thought at the time (like when I was reeling over the recruiting job right before I decided to go back to school) it has all led to good. It's a good reminder to me that I have to be patient and listen. The Lord has something planned for me and maybe it won't be what I've planned for myself, but it will be the right thing. I don't know if this means sticking it out with my job for a week, or a month, or a year. I don't know, maybe it means I will have to quit. But I think God will make it clear to me when it's meant to be clear. I hope so anyway.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Last year I tried out the whole blog-every-day-of-November thing and I kind of briefly considered it this year, but you know what? I have enough on my mind without feeling guilty about not wanting to stare at another computer screen after spending twelve hours staring at four. But, I am going to try to blog more anyway because I think it's a good outlet for me and I am coming dangerously close to...I don't know what? Freaking out and bashing in all the computer monitors at work? Hah, kidding...sort of. I made Paul promise that we are going to attend church service tonight, something we haven't done here in San Francisco, well, ever. There have been a lot of weeks where I started off Sunday morning insisting we attend church but by the time 6pm rolled around (the church we would attend only has an evening service) it was kind of like, meh, it's so late and we have to get up so early, blah blah, excuse, excuse. But I just feel like there must be a reason for what's happening in my life now and I've never needed God's presence more to help me just hang in there. Because seriously? I'm thisclose to something not good. My friend Lian's wedding is next weekend in NYC and I'm sooo happy that she's found such an awesome guy and so honored to be part of her wedding...but at the same time the thought of traveling across the country right now is just exhausting. I'm sure once I get there things will be fine, but thinking about it is making me want to tear my hair out. Labels: blogging, God, the grind
Friday, October 31, 2008
Well. I made it through another week. And I must say, I've had some shitty jobs in the past (as some of you may remember) but I have never felt this utterly destroyed on Friday before. Seriously, if today wasn't Friday, I'm not sure if I could have made it through another day of work. I don't know what I'm going to do, because I don't think I can take much more of this and I don't see anything changing for the better in the near future. In fact, I'm fairly certain it's only going to get worse. And it's just breaking me. Sometimes at work when people are asking me to do things and it's like fifteen minutes before the wire goes down, I just want to start screaming, not because I'm mad at them, but because I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm being pulled every minute in fifteen different directions and it just doesn't stop for twelve full hours. And even then, I only go home because my systems run on east coast time and they start crashing on me. So of course, I've been a total shit to be married to. In fact, I'd be surprised if Paul hasn't considered divorce at least a couple times in the last few weeks. For example I totally lost it last weekend when he had the audacity to clean the apartment, and then vacuum on top of it. I mean, the nerve right? First I yelled at him and then started bawling and he was just like, Dude? It even took me awhile to figure out what exactly pissed me off so much about him actually wanting to not live in a pig-sty, but eventually I realized it was because I like my outward environment to reflect what's going on inside and it bugged me that suddenly it was going to appear as though everything was just fine and dandy when I was still such a mess inside. He didn't exactly get it, but the amazing husband that he is, he let me cry and held me until I stopped and then made me leave the apartment with him. We went to the nail salon and I got a mani-pedi while he got his claws (i.e. toenails) groomed. I honestly don't know what I'd do without this man. Nothing good, that's for sure. Labels: Depression, the grind, The Hubs
Saturday, October 25, 2008
I'm sure I've been a real joy to live with lately. I'm tired and cranky. By the time I get home I have no energy to do anything so the house is a mess and I still haven't even finished unpacking from our trip (yes, we did get back two weeks ago, you wanna make something of it?). I'm depressed and angry and spend most of our evenings bitching about how much I hate...everything. I seriously can't remember a time in my life when I've been a more angry person. Oh and also, the alcoholism. We went out after work three times this week (just me and the other two sales assistants, since we are generally the only people there by the time we leave). By Tuesday we decided we needed to drink after work and we have been half-joking about how we should be taking a shot at noon (when the wire goes down and we have at least passed that deadline for the day). I feel like I'm living at work and by the end of the day, the morning feels like the day before. Now, on top of the mountains of crap I've had piled on me in the last couple weeks, I've got some new sales people to "assist." I guess I've been lucky because my existing sales people have always treated me with respect and have even seemed apologetic about the work they throw my way. The new ones? Not so much. One of them didn't even bother to introduce herself to me before sending me emails asking me to do crap for her. I thought she was someone in the NY office (and also thought she was a he) until my coworker was like, "Uh, I think it's that chick sitting over there." Um, okay, so you really think I'm going to prioritize YOU over the people who have treated me well for the past year and a half? Doubtful. Considering I go way above and beyond what's in my job description for my current sales people, I'm sure I won't be getting in trouble for telling her she needs to do HER job, her own damn self. I don't mind going the extra mile for people who appreciate it, but why should I increase my own workload to make her life easier when a) I don't know her and b) she's already treating me like I'm her own personal bitch and it's her first week here. I'm just at my wits end, hanging in limbo, not knowing if I'm "safe" for a week or a month or two months or indefinitely. And truthfully if this is how the job is going to be from now on? They don't pay me enough. This was never what I wanted to do for more than a couple of years because honestly I know I'm capable of much more...it was just supposed to be a jumping off point and I was already coming to a point where I was ready for more. I don't even know what my point is except to say, I'm so freaking unhappy right now. Labels: Depression, douchebags, the grind
Thursday, October 23, 2008
It's been a long time since I've cried. In fact, I believe it's been over a year, not since my friend E's funeral. This may not be a very long time for some people, but I remember a time when I used to cry practically every day. Partly because I just cry really damn easily (e.g. the time I cried over a Life With Louie episode - the cartoon) but also because I used to be generally miserable and depressed. Since I met Paul four years ago, I rarely cry. Somehow that seemingly unshakeable monkey on my back, the depression I'd felt my entire life just went away. Disappeared into thin air. The odd thing is that the depression never really made sense, I don't know that it was ever really about anything, so how can being with someone make it go away? I'm not sure. I've had boyfriends pretty much continuously since I was 13 and that never seemed to help before... Anyway, that isn't the point of this post. Lately, I've just been feeling so crushed, I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. Why? I don't know, it's just work in the end right? It doesn't make sense for me to get so emotional over it, but I am. And I feel like I really need to be able to cry over it but I'm so far removed from those days that I'm afraid to. I keep telling myself to stay positive, look at the bright side of things, but I really just want to curl up in a ball and sob myself to sleep. Part of me thinks it might even be good for me. What I'm doing now might just be setting myself up for something truly embarrassing like cracking at work and bursting out into tears over some tiny, insignificant trade issue when I finally can't hold it in anymore. But then, I'm scared. I'm scared that if I let myself feel that way again I won't be able to stop. I don't think that will happen but what if it does? I don't know. I'm just so afraid to let myself feel sad. And I tell myself, my life isn't so bad, I have it better than a lot of people. And I do, I know I do and I really appreciate how good things are relative to how they could be...but does that mean I don't have a right to be upset? We all have to live in our own lives right? Do I have to feel guilty about feeling bad that things aren't going the way I want them to just because things could be a lot worse? Labels: Depression, Make Joyce go something something, the grind
Yes, today was worse than yesterday. Labels: the grind
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Oh hai. I is still alivez...sort of. And drinking lotz of wine. Work is still The Suck. But I've decided maybe not to bitch about it so much anymore because surprise, surprise, it's not making things any better! In fact, somehow every day manages to be worse than the one before. Whatever, red wine is my frendz 4eva. Labels: Joyce likes wine, the grind
Monday, October 20, 2008
Another day, another 12 hours of work interrupted only by mad dashes to the ladies room and that's pretty much it. It's starting to all feel really...pointless. Every day that goes by my hope for staying in the company wanes a little bit, maybe partly due to my impatient nature, but also just partly due to the attitude of my new coworkers from The Other Investment Bank (the one that my company took over but it totally feels as though it happened the other way around). They are movin' on in with a quickness which makes us (I'm including my coworkers in this because we've had many a bitch session about this topic) feel like decisions have already been made and maybe we've been left out of them. I don't know. As has been previously discussed quite thoroughly on this blog, I hate uncertainty and things couldn't be more uncertain at work than they are right now. And sadly even Fridays are tainted now because, of course, Fridays are when they're going to be giving people the boot. All of these feelings are compounded by the fact that I am being absolutely crushed at work. Like completely soul-sucking, spirit-crushing, pounded into the dirt, overworked. A lot of people probably work 12 hour days quite regularly but I don't think other people work the way me and my fellow sales assistants have been working...nonstop...on Friday I literally only had time to RUN to the bathroom and then run back to my desk three times. I haven't been out in the sun on a weekday since I got back from Taiwan. Sigh. Time for bed. So I can get up again and go to work at 5AM...I can only hope tomorrow isn't another 12 hour day but it probably will be. Wa..hoo... Labels: navel gazing, the grind
Thursday, October 16, 2008
So I've been back from my foray into Asia for about a week now. Back at work since Tuesday. And I can honestly say, I haven't slept more than a couple hours a night all damn week. On top of that I've been working 12-13 hour days and was basically told that very soon my current job won't be my job anymore. I think it's only due to sheer exhaustion that I haven't had a complete mental breakdown yet. The one glimmer of good news is that I may have a decent shot of getting another position within the firm, possibly an even better position than the one I have now - but also a more demanding one. So I'm looking at either being unemployed or working well over 60+ hours a week. Somebody shoot me. Oh and if one more person who has no effing clue tells me I shouldn't worry since I'm part of the firm that took over (the other firm) I think my head is going to explode. Labels: Make Joyce go something something, the grind
Friday, September 19, 2008
I walked out of the office this afternoon trying to think of what clever analogy I could use to describe to the internet the sort of soul crushing day I just had. Except then I walked past this lady digging through the garbage for people's leftover Starbucks frappuccinos and McFlurry's and combining them together in old water bottles. And I realized what an overly dramatic douchebag I can be sometimes. Today...wasn't great. At one point I remarked to my coworker that I understood why the windows in office buildings don't open because suicide rates would probably increase. By a lot. I don't think I've ever been on as many conference calls as I've been on in the last two days. Or been more stressed out over something I really had zero control over at all. I guess this is what it's like being a salesperson...no power but you get to bear the brunt of the blame. Why do I want to get into sales again? Oh yeah, because it's still better than any other career path at an investment bank. I think? Anyway, I may not have a job soon, but I still have a roof over my head and a wonderful husband who is making me some sort of fancy pasta tonight. So I'll make it through like I always do. Things aren't so bad. Labels: the grind
Thursday, September 18, 2008
You know, I know every job has its off days, but seriously? I feel like I've just been punched in the head by a sumo wrestler. An extra big one. You don't want to know what my day consisted of, but let's just say when you're dealing with crap that involves numbers with six to nine zeros after them...things can get Stressful. Or STRESSFUL!!! even. It doesn't help that tensions are high for everyone in the company, what with the feeling of impending doom floating around everywhere and everyone wondering if their jobs are the ones that are going to be identified as "overlap" (which is just a euphemism for, see you at the unemployment line!). Yeah, good times right? So anyway, I am finally home. After only an eleven hour work day (and when I say eleven hours I mean eleven hours, like I got up to pee twice and that was pretty much it). It would have been a twelve hour day except I forgot to set my alarm last night and woke up to my cell phone vibrating next to my head and my coworker going "UH?" So yeah, even though I got to sleep for an extra hour, no my day did not start off well and it kind of just got worse from there. Somehow I don't see things getting better anytime soon either. But luckily I am going on a two and a half week vacation next week! The only question is whether or not my key-card will still work when I get back. Or if the office will even still be there. You know, whateve's.... Labels: all financial like, Make Joyce go something something, the grind
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
LIBOR is up, the stock market is down, like what, 400 points, bills are trading at almost zero yield. Um yeah, is it too soon to call this an apocalypse? I laugh but I'm really crying inside. Okay, okay, am I being overly dramatic? Maybe. Even if I lose my job, I'll find another one....right? Right?? The good news is I passed my Series 63 today so if I get to keep my job I am (almost) officially able to execute trades! Wahoo! If I have a job that is. Details. Labels: all financial like, the grind
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
I've been in a bit of a funk lately. Or falling into one maybe. Nothing in particular is going on...just life in all its hectic glory. I don't know why I haven't felt like writing about any of it and so most of it has gone by without much of a mention here. For example, Paul and I almost bought a condo (twice actually!) but alas the only "housing crisis" in our neighborhood is that there apparently isn't enough of it. I'm pretty much okay with not being a homeowner right now because a) there is still so much uncertainty in the financial markets, who knows if our jobs are even as safe as we think? and b) being a half million dollars (plus) in debt frightens the hell out of me. There's also been a series of random events at work which have started me thinking about my Career. And the Future. I do like my job and it's definitely kept me interested longer than any other job has in the past, but I can feel myself starting to hit a wall. At the end of the day it's still mainly an operations position and I know that it's only a matter of time before I start wanting more. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm getting there. Contentment is so fleeting, it sucks. So I guess I'm going to have to figure it all out soon...do I want to go to b-school? Find a new job? Do I have a decent shot at moving up into sales eventually if I stay? I'll be taking my licensing exam soon and I plan on having a casual chat with the managing director about all this shortly after...IF I can muster up the courage. I know that no matter how it goes my own self-doubt will make me torture myself by going over the conversation over and over and over again until my brain explodes and/or I'm breathing into a bag. You know, I feel really lied to. When I was little, adults always made it sound like as long as you got into a good college, the rest would pretty much just map itself out. Then you get out of college and realize that it never ends...you're always wondering what the next step is. Labels: house hunters, Life, navel gazing, the grind
Thursday, May 15, 2008
There are some weeks, more than others, where I come out at the end feeling like someone just kicked my ass. Hard. It's only Thursday, but it's safe to say this has already been one of those weeks. The funny thing is, though I can point to certain things that made this week hurt so bad (i.e. $52,000 in losses to company due to trade errors...not really my fault but at least $12,000 could probably have been prevented by me, so sh*t, go me) a lot goes wrong at work on a daily basis and this week wasn't really unique in that sense. It's the nature of the business and why I have a job. I just wasn't up for it today, being bombarded from the first hour in the morning with stupid compliance/trade issues (cancel this, terminate that, then assign this before you rebook it with all the same details EXCEPT change this one line) and things just kind of getting worse as the day went on...Sigh. Wow. This is a downer. Every job has days like this though, yes? Right? Labels: Annoyances, the grind
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Except this time I'm watching from home and since Paul is still out playing squash, watching it alone. It has been a long freaking day (I'm not ready to talk about it yet, mainly because I don't want to think about it) and my mind isn't totally functioning and I actually do like the Suns so I keep getting confused as to who I am actually cheering for (the Warriors - hometown, sort of, wahoo!). Labels: Basketball, the grind
Saturday, March 01, 2008
A lot of people who knew me in college might be surprised at how largely uninvolved I am in politics nowadays. Don't get me wrong, I can still deliver a pretty impassioned argument when the situation calls for it, but for the most part I just don't have the energy to keep up and care so damn much anymore. My excuse is that life has gotten in the way. And I'm not trying to say that I'm sooo busy these days - I'm well aware that there are mothers balancing demanding jobs who still find the time to stay up-to-date on current events and blog regularly - I'm just saying I'm a lot busier than I've ever been before and it's taking some adjusting. For the first time in my life I'm juggling several different things and for the most part don't have the option to blow off any of those things for a day or two or maybe a week if I feel like it. (Ahh college, how I miss you.) I miss sitting. And staring. I miss doing nothing. So usually if I'm not at work and not doing something related to trying to make an offer on a condo we're interested in, then I opt to just sit and do something mindless like read about what fast-food excursions Britney Spears took that day or watch some basketball. BUT! I think I am finally turning a corner. We've been at this house thing for over four months now and I feel like I have a much better feeling for the market we're looking in and the market as a whole (lucky for me I can get a good feeling for that at work). And I am also getting accustomed to not having the option of just staying home if I don't feel like going. Personal responsibility is a part of growing up, who knew? (You certainly wouldn't know it growing up here with the hippies who passed for "teachers.") I also have to admit that Barack Obama is making things interesting for me again. Not because he "inspires" me or makes me less cynical or anything remotely like that. He interests me mainly because I think he has a real shot at becoming the next president of this country and I disagree so strongly with him on pretty much everything. I also don't believe he is as "above it" as most people believe. He is just smarter than most politicians, this makes him a better politician, not a saint. I'm not sure what Obama is suggesting here? That we pull out except for "strikes at al Qaeada targets"??? What does that mean? Air strikes? Except that probably means more innocent civilians wind up as collateral damage. Can someone please explain what his plan here is? Ah, now this is where Obama's political prowess (at least in today's sound-bite media) is revealed. As I pointed out above Obama's position on Iraq and al Qaeada makes no sense whatsoever. But here he has managed to deflect away from that by reminding people that they are mad at Bush for going to war in the first place. Continue being angry about the past and forget actually trying to do something constructive with what we are presently faced with. This is like how some liberals always bring up "the Indians/Native Americans" when you ask them to give you an example of how the United States is eeeeevillllll. This is kind of a tangent, but doesn't this statement pretty much kill the less-than-well-thought-out idea that Obama's social spending can be paid for by withdrawing from Iraq? Clearly, and to my relief, Obama isn't planning on just disbanding the portion of our military that is currently serving in Iraq. Labels: 2008 Elections, house hunters, Life, Politics, the grind
Friday, February 22, 2008
I was just talking to MM, a classmate from France (one of my better friends on that side of the pond owing to the fact that he, like myself, is an anal retentive super-nerd) who works at Soc*iete Ge*neral in Paris and that little turd gets NINE weeks of vacation! If Barack Obama wins in November I am going to have to investigate what it takes to become French, because dude! If America is going to be socialist anyway I might as well be getting nine weeks of vacation and spending long weekends (thirteen national holidays and all) in the south of France. I will miss my chili cheese fries and adult-size soda cups, but I will comfort myself with hot, crispy croissants and cheap Bordeaux. Labels: 2008 Elections, France, the grind
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
It has just been one of those weeks. Paul got in a car accident yesterday. Luckily, no one was hurt, and no, it was not Paul's fault and, also luckily, yes the other driver does have insurance. The insurance company has already informed us that the other driver is 100% liable, which is a load off our minds since we're hopefully going to be buying a condo in the next few months. I do feel bad for the other guy, his insurance rates are going to jump and all, but it was his fault (he opened his truck door as Paul was driving by) so what can you do right? On Monday night, I woke up around midnight and knew I was heading straight for the toilet. Didn't have a thing in my stomach of course so it was all bile. Yum. Luckily, it didn't last long and once I had thrown up I felt a lot better and went back to sleep straight through until I had to get up for work. When I got into the office my coworker who drops me off at home most days was out sick with something that was either food poisoning or stomach flu. Hm. Then today I got my Valentine's Day gift early, I took a bunch of pictures of it with the Rebel but I don't feel up to uploading right now, so suffice to say it looks suspiciously like this:  Clever boy picked something tasty, gorgeous AND that has special meaning to us! Too bad half it ended up as a pile of half-digested fruit on the floor between the ladies restroom and my office. I, being the genius that I am, ate a bunch of fruit on an already queasy-feeling stomach and boy did I pay for it. Or rather, the carpet and the maintenance people will. Just in case you're wondering, no, I am not pregnant. I am in an office full of people who have come to work with pneumonia, possible stomach flu and a variety of other germs and infections. This is what happens when you work in an industry where people practically have to be on their death bed to be pulled away from work. (Especially when you're in the middle of the worst market crises in recent memory.) So yeah, not fun. I've been sick for weeks and can't seem to get rid of it. I want nothing more than to collapse in bed until morning but Paul and I have tickets to Warriors/Suns at Oracle tonight and there's no way we're missing that game! Should be a very fun and fast game. Shaq won't be playing but maybe he'll be there! Labels: Basketball, gimpy mcgimp, the grind, The Hubs wingless was still breathing at 3:35 PM - 1 comments
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Something I didn't expect when I threw my hat into the finance industry ring was that I would have such awesome, thoughtful and generous managers. I thought finance people were all grumpy, uptight jerks who's only goal was to work you until you literally died (one of my cousins who used to be in i-banking said that when he missed several months of work due to a brain tumor - benign but still a brain tumor - his coworkers were only half joking about being annoyed at him for missing that much work). Hm, well, when I put it that way I'm not sure what the hell I was thinking when I thought, "Sure why not" about choosing this career path. Luckily, I am technically in ops so my direct managers are all ops managers (who Paul says tend to be really nice across the board). I'm also lucky to be working out of a satellite office that also happens to be in San Francisco - a city famous for very chill people. So chill that our office uniform is a polo shirt and a north face sweater-vest. My direct manager insists that we use up every last vacation or personal day we've accrued and since she doesn't count the half days we take off as days off I had a couple of personal days to use up before the new year. Which means I get the next five days off! FIVE! Five whole days of wearing pajamas and watching teeny-bopper movies on HBO in the middle of the afternoon, wahoo! Labels: the grind
Thursday, December 06, 2007
As I've mentioned before, one of the main products I cover at work are mortgage/asset backed securities. Which puts me smack dab in the middle of all this sub-prime-credit-crunch-oh-my-god-the-sky-is-falling crisis. I'm like on the front lines yo. I gotta tell you, I'm really not happy about the plan unveiled today. I never thought I would say this but I mostly agree with a SF Gate editorial writer...the Bush administration's plan really is the "methadone plan for the mortgage crisis." This is one of the things I hate about politics. Since it's an election year all the politicians have to act like they care when people are losing their houses, but let's be honest with ourselves here: These sub-prime borrowers are not people you should feel sorry for. Why? Well, for the most part at least, these are the people who shouldn't have even been given loans in the first place! A lot of them put no money down on their homes, already had bad FICO scores and lose nothing except their mortgage payments (which you can look at as rent anyway) if they default. Why am I supposed to feel bad for them again? They got to live in houses they never should have been able to afford for two years. Sure the lenders and Wall Street and all those funds are to blame for this mess, but that doesn't mean sub-prime borrowers have necessarily been victimized in any way. In fact, they're kinda one of the winners in all of this. Because now the government is bailing them out so they can stay even longer in houses they can't afford. The real loser is your pension fund. Also, from what I've heard around the office is that the issues having the most problems with defaults are from 2006 not 2005. This of course is significant because the 2006 rates haven't even reset yet. Which means the most problematic of the sub-prime loans are those that have been taken out by people who can't even afford the teaser rates. So really this "solution" isn't even going to do anything to alleviate the worst of the problems. The real problem here is that a lot of people took out loans they can't afford period. Not even at the teaser rates. So let's be honest with ourselves, this mess is way too big to "fix" in any meaningful way. It's time to let the chips fall where they may. Labels: all financial like, Politics, the grind wingless was still breathing at 4:02 PM - 1 comments
Monday, November 26, 2007
At a bee graduation/work orientation... Here at Honex we know you've worked hard your whole life so you can work hard your whole life! Labels: quote unquote, the grind
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
I've now been with The Investment Bank for just over four months. Which, considering my history, is not an insignificant amount of time. I am, after all, a notorious job hopper and all. This is definitely the most content I've ever been with a job. I am good at what I do, appreciated by my superiors, well paid, challenged on a daily basis, and the position offers limitless potential in terms of learning opportunities. It's an amazingly ideal job for someone just starting out in this industry and I feel very blessed to be where I am. That said, there is still one thing that leaves me unsatisfied. Sometimes, when I really think about it, it all feels very fake and pointless. I mean, God knows I'm not a hippie but what the heck are we doing here? We don't produce anything, we don't even provide any REAL service...we as an industry are in the business of using money to make money. Now that I have a better idea of what actually goes on it seems a bit ridiculous. A lot of people fretting over the exchange of what amounts to 1's and 0's in cyberspace and this constitutes the "trading" behind all those huge portfolios. This is the one thing that makes me wonder how long I will ultimately last in this industry. I think I need a little more meaning than that. I think I need my career to be something more than worrying about money. That was the great thing about fund raising (yes, also worrying about money BUT for good causes!)...too bad so much of that job bored me to tears. Where is that happy middle ground? Labels: the grind
Friday, November 16, 2007
I forgot to mention that our admin quit yesterday because her boyfriend (who she moved here for from NYC about six months ago) got a great job in Boston. This sucks on two levels: One, since the one and only saleswoman quit last week (her last day will be three days after our admin's) this leaves me as the only non-penis who will be working in the office as of the second week of December. Granted, I do get along with guys a lot better than I do with the vast majority of women but I'm sad because I actually really love our admin and saleswoman. They're very cool chicks and not typical girly-girls at all - it makes it all the more upsetting that they're leaving since they're two of about seven girls I actually enjoy being around. Two, our admin freaking rocks. I only started a week before her so I don't totally know what it was like in the office before her, but I do know that during my first couple of weeks there, everything was everywhere and no one knew where anything was and the salespeople's expense reports were so past due that HQ was threatening to cut their cards if they didn't turn them in. Now? Expense reports are always turned in on time and everything is actually where it is supposed to be. When this first happened everyone was very confused. People kept coming up to me and asking me where the paper was, and because I had already asked our admin, I knew that the paper was indeed in the cabinet helpfully marked "8 1/2 x 11 paper." So yeah, the whole office is sad because we've got two great ladies leaving us, but I think our boss is taking it worst of all because well, lately every time he manages to fill one seat, someone else quits. He probably dreams about the day when the office can actually function the way its supposed to because its actually fully staffed. Yesterday while we were having beers one of the sales people opined how it would be funny if we all turned in our resignations the next day. So this morning he wrote a collective letter of resignation on the company letterhead, had all of us sign it and left it on the boss's keyboard when he went off to the bathroom...With all the stress the boss has been under lately I was half afraid he'd be pissed off and accept it! But luckily he busted out laughing and actually even framed the thing lol. I signed it at 5:15 in the morning so I didn't really read it (eyes were still blurry with sleep) but apparently it was a very cleverly written letter. I gotta sneak a peak at that thing on Monday haha. Labels: the grind
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Today was another crappy day at work. Not necessarily because anything really horrible happened but my computer went down just as three different people called to confirm trades and I left with an email box full of emails I haven't really read yet. But I will tomorrow. I promise. And also, I am a little drunk right now. Because we went out for beers after work. Because we all really needed beer. Except now I'm going through all of that self-doubt and second guessing myself because I *revealed* to pretty much everyone that I used to basically work for the Republican party and, I don't know, that's always a little scary when you live in San Francisco (even if you know that no one in the office really cares who you vote for). This is one of those things I hate about myself and why I think I still can't get rid of my biggest vice. I hate this feeling of going every-freaking-thing I said over and over in my head and picking apart how many different ways that could have been interpreted and who probably hates me now. This is actually what happens in my head for hours, sometimes days, after spending time socializing with other human beings. It's funny because Paul thinks I'm an extrovert. And you would think that I would be since I work in sales and really seem to enjoy interacting with other people. But a true extrovert thrives when they are in a social environment and introverts are drained by it. And that's how it is for me. I like it. I really do. When I'm actually with people, it's great. It's afterwards that's a problem for me. And I guess that's why forcing myself to actually go out and interact with people in a social setting is so infrequent for me. It always ends up really draining me because of all the second-guessing and self-doubt that ensues. Maybe this is why I like being married so much. Or, more specifically, being married to Paul. He's probably the only person who I really feel like I can say anything to and not wonder whether he'll still like me or not. Or...is this normal? Does everyone wonder all the time whether other people like them or not? I get the feeling that most people don't really care all that much. Labels: Life, the grind, The Hubs
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Our building had a fire drill today and because it wasn't mandatory most of us opted not to leave the desk for it. I mean, come on! We work in finance and are therefore far too important and busy to leave our precious work! So the only person who actually left was our admin, who was trying to lead by example since the powers that be had designated her as the floor-fire warden. She turned out to be the smartest of us all though because not only did she get to cut out early she didn't have to try to work through the strobe lights and incessant shrieking of the fire alarm for a good fifteen minutes. I really thought I was going to throw up before it finally stopped.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
I hate 48-hour day. Hate. With passion. Seriously. Those of you who live in the land of mortgage-backed securities know what I'm talkin' about. This is one of those days where I cannot stare at the computer anymore or my eyeballs might just fall right out of my head and onto the keyboard and that would not be great for anyone. Labels: the grind
Thursday, November 01, 2007
I confess. I almost forgot about this whole blogging every day thing. But, as you can see, I did not. This week hasn't been particularly busy and I'm actually starting to really feel like I have a handle on things but I'm exhausted. So glad tomorrow is Friday. Time for bed. (Yes, I realize this is a sad excuse for a post but it's all I've got right now!)
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Yeesh. Talk about focusing on the wrong thing here, lady. Did you get married? Does it significantly alter the course of your life? I mean, seriously? Anyone surprised she's a lawyer? And then of course I felt bad about leaving. And worried something horrific would happen because of the unmatched trade. Which was really, really unlikely. But this did not prevent the worrying. Everything was fine and no one else even really seemed to notice it until I called this morning wondering what was going on there. And it matched and settled and the world was in balance once again. There were no fire drills today, no staring intently back and forth between the clock and your email/bloomberg waiting for a response because the deadline is approaching and it's a REAL deadline not one of those "eh" deadlines, but like a serious deadline where you WILL BE CUT OFF at this time. Period. End of statement. Absolutely no exceptions. And there are exactly six minutes left and OH MY GOD. I can't talk about that anymore. Let's just leave it at, today was better than yesterday. Labels: Life, Make Joyce go something something, Random, the grind
Monday, September 17, 2007
So...yes. I lied. It's been two weeks and no blogging >< Last week work went back to being a little nutty and two nights in a row I slept at 7:30. That's pm. Yeah, I'm like ninety now. You know what though? My life is really...dull. I wake up, I work, I walk home, I sit around and watch TV and contemplate the day I will begin to study for my Series 7 & 63 (tomorrow, I swear!). Then Paul comes home, we eat, play some DOTA or watch more TV, then sleep, rinse, repeat. Not very interesting to write about. Or read about, I imagine. I am probably lying again because I seem to do that a lot when it comes to what I plan to do with this website, but maybe I'll start trying to write more reviews of restaurants/things to do in SF. Paul and I are working on being all cultured and as such we have tickets to Mama Mia this Thursday. (Of course this means I will be asleep at my desk on Friday morning). That's about all we got going on here. Labels: blogging, Life, the grind
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
I just hit the six week mark at my new job and I thought it might be a good time to reflect a bit. For the most part this blog seems to have dropped off my radar since I started working and I mean to correct that. The first several weeks I was so slammed with the crazy markets and trying to learn everything and my coworker going on vacation only four weeks after my start date that I had no energy to do anything computer-related when I got home in the afternoons. Now that I'm finally getting into a groove at work, hopefully I can pick up my hobbies again...like reading all my favorite political blogs! I have to admit though, it's tough being a red girl in a blue city (my new blog title). It was hard for me to imagine a city more liberal than Los Angeles, but yup, here I am in good ol' San Francisco, home of Nancy Pelosi. Ugh. And even though I'm working for an investment bank which you would think should lean to the right, most of my coworkers are decidedly, uh, blue. Maybe not dark blue, but pretty damn blue nevertheless. Even though the boss is probably one of the coolest bosses I can imagine and has made it perfectly clear that he wants everyone to speak up whether or not their opinions are in the majority, I still feel it wise to keep out of politically heated discussions until I've been around awhile...After all, we all know I can get pretty passionate about certain topics. My recent lack of interest in politics has also been tied to work-related exhaustion. After using my brain every minute of every hour for 10-12 hours straight, there was just nothing left in me to expend on thinking about politics. I finally understand what people mean when they say there is just too much else going on to think about that stuff. But you know me, I can never stay away for long. So anyway, work. How is work? Let's give it six more weeks because history shows that three months is the big test for me, but so far? I'm loving it. I work hard, but I'm paid well. I'm appreciated, I'm learning, my coworkers are awesome, my manager treats me so well and the big boss is, as I've already mentioned, super chill and approachable and very interested in improving the office and team building. The only problem I can foresee is that I'm not sure that the "next step" in this position is appealing to me, but regardless it's a great position where I'm learning about the business every day and working for a big name resume builder. Oh yeah, and did I mention they are actually paying me well? This still shocks me sometimes, but I'm actually making more than what I made at my first job (fund-raising) and last job (recruiting) COMBINED. Including my bonus and all the perks (401k matching, etc.) I will probably come very close to making more than all three of my previous jobs combined. Sad. Well, I guess not sad anymore, but sad about my previous jobs. Hopefully I'm not jinxing myself, but I'm really loving my life. Paul and I have really settled into this whole domestic thing (as you can see from our Labor Day weekend). I'm used to my work schedule and actually like the fact that I get out at 3pm on most days and can stroll home amidst the hubub of the city. I've started taking a slightly more hilly route home as opposed to the very flat and direct I used to take. It takes me through a much busier part of the city including Washington Square Park (and plus I could use the exercise). The more strenuous route also takes me down into one of my favorite views in the whole city. Which also happens to be my own street! I wish I had a better camera so I could really capture the amazing-ness of it. I must look like a tourist with my camera constantly out but I find that in this city you need it! Labels: San Francisco, the grind
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Yesterday was another twelve hour day for yours truly. Thank GOD my partner is going to be back on Monday. He better be anyway. It was still a good day though, the big boss in the office bought me my lunch for getting through "a rough week" and another guy in the office brought in bagels, also in honor of me surviving the week. AND the best par? My manager is giving me an "under the table" day off to take sometime before the end of the year! Wahoo! It feels good to be appreciated, especially considering I know the week wasn't easy for them either with only one sales assistant in our office. I walked home through the city around 5pm and it was a completely different world since I had last seen it twelve hours earlier at 5am. It was a beautiful day and the city was bustling. People were spilling out of bars in the financial district, Chinatown was full of tourists. Washington Square Park packed with people lounging in the grass or playing with their dogs or eating Gelato and strolling about. Also, crazy homeless people yelling, but whatever. I even stopped by this great bakery in Chinatown and got dozens of bao zi to bring home to the family in Fremont. As I was heading down the hill towards Pier 39, almost home, I had an amazing view of the bay, boats in the horizon, the sky perfectly blue and it struck me how lucky I am to live where I do. I mean, really, in the last seven years of my life, other than a brief stint in Turlock (which by the way I actually really enjoyed) I've been living in places where people go on vacation. Not even in the suburbs of these places, but like smack dab in the middle of West Los Angeles, Paris and San Francisco. Labels: Life, San Francisco, the grind
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Hi! Still alive! Just barely, anyway. Work? Is kicking my behind. I have never had a job where you had to work every minute of every hour and where I'm actually really worried that something will happen while I'm in the kitchen for two minutes to heat my oatmeal up in the microwave. I have never been so productive in my life. Thankfully this week should not be typical of most weeks since a) The guy I'm supposed to be backing up is on vacation all week and the girl I am replacing had her last day last Friday and b) I know a helluva lot more about this job than I did four days ago. That said, there's still quite a lot I don't know and tomorrow I'm sure everything I don't know will suddenly become a huge issue and very annoying and stressful, but c'est la vie I suppose. It feels good to be challenged but also feel like I am proving how capable I am. Labels: the grind
Monday, August 06, 2007
I. Am. Exhausted. As usual my day started at 4:45am except today I got actually work for all of except 10 minutes or so total up until 4pm. Then we had to go get drinks with someone who is interviewing for the third sales assistant spot...which admittedly was not unpleasant in the slightest - BUT STILL - required not passing out which is more difficult than it sounds, particularly when you've had two glasses of wine. Labels: the grind
Thursday, August 02, 2007
4:45AM - Alarm goes off. Am fast asleep and dreaming about stuff re: Labels: the grind
Monday, July 30, 2007
I finally finished Harry Potter over the weekend. In fact, I stayed up until almost 11pm last night finishing it despite having to be at work by 5am this morning. And it was totally, completely worth it. That is, until work exploded and I finally started to understand what my coworker means when she says people start "spinning." Anyway, after crying for a good half hour when Dumbledore died in book six I figured I better read book seven with a nice big box of tissue but surprisingly the only part that brought tears to my eyes was when Dobby dies and that was partly because I was thinking about Eric's passing. I think I need to reread a lot of the previous books because there are certain things I only vaguely remember (like Voldemort taking some of Harry's blood, kinda remember it happening but don't remember the context). *** As I mentioned, work blew up today. Normally I have a little time to read the news, check on a couple of my favorite blogs, etc. but today? Nada. I was, spin spin SPINNING like a crazy person. It was kind of cool though because it didn't feel like I was just running in circles (like I did as a recruiter sometimes going through the same freaking resumes over and over again) or that what I was doing was trivial (though necessary, as I often felt as a fundraising assistant/property manager). I'm sure after some time goes by I'm going to want more responsibility but I'm glad to finally be in a place where I can see the potential to actually learn something new every day. It's funny because after recruiting I swore up and down I would never take another sales oriented job and here I am with the official title of "Sales Assistant." It really is a completely different type of sales though, the sales people I work with are definitely a lot brainier and their job is less about sales than it is about finding money managers the products they already know they want. They have to truly understand the products they are selling and how they fit into people's needs - not an easy task considering how complex some of these products are. It's pretty different than the staffing industry where all we were asked to do was to match up words on resumes with words on the reqs. *** Eric's family has set up a memorial for him on the ACS website. His sister's are trying to raise $1000 in his memory and will shave their heads if they are able to reach their goal. I'm sure it won't be hard. There's a memorial for him this Saturday, August 4th at 1:30pm (all details can be found here). This is the first time cancer has directly touched my life and I don't really know what to say about that. According to the memorial site, Eric accepted Christ and was baptized this past Mother's day so I do find peace in the knowledge that I will see my bud buddy again. Labels: Death, Harry Potter, the grind
Well, today sucked. Let me tell you, working at a trading desk in the middle of a stock market melt down is Not Fun. Even though our desk doesn't deal with stocks we still felt the pain and everyone we were dealing with was in a crappy, stressed out mood. And then I found out my friend died of cancer last night. Gonna go play video games now, need to get my mind off things. Rest in peace, Eric. At least there's no more pain. Hopefully we'll see each other again, in another place.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
So. I started a new job last week. A job that involves the 18th floor of a huge building right smack dab in the middle of San Francisco's Financial District. A job that involves working with people who in all likelihood make millions and all have important degrees from important schools and who are all super competent, out-going people persons who are, well, presentable. And so, of course, I, who am apparently not presentable, got a rash. All over my face. And then I lost my voice. And started to cough up interesting colors. And lose the ability to hear out of my right ear because it is clogged up with mucus or something. And then this morning my right eye started to become swollen and painful and I'm pretty sure tomorrow I will go to work and people will scream and point and mistaken me for a cyclops. Sounds about par for the course eh? I went in on Monday with no voice, hacking like crazy, forcing my coworkers to work with their shirts over their mouths and noses like gas masks. Every time I touched someone's workstation the disinfectant wipes were immediately whipped out to wipe everything down. They were probably glad when, on what was supposed to be my sixth day at work, I called in sick. I went in today but some of my coworkers still refused to use the cooler next to my desk and instead opted to walk to the other side of the office for their liquid refreshment. This whole fiasco reminds me of last September when I came down with a sinus and throat infection right before school started. What can I say? My body hates me. Labels: gimpy mcgimp, the grind
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